Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation’s Capitol To Spare Life Of ‘Twilight’ Author


Onion News Network The department of homeland security
has confirmed that a terrorist attack, on the nation’s capitol was cancelled, because it posed too great a risk
to twilight author, Stephanie Meyer. Law enforcement officials
were alerted to the plot, where terrorist chatter was detected
by NSA intercepts. We are cancelling the operation. I don’t understand.
We have been planning this for months. We received information that
Stephanie Meyer will be making an appearance Praise Allah! Will Robert Pattinson
or Kristen Stewart be there? Maybe, I’m not sure,
but there’s a big line already. We have to get over there! We’re joined now by terrorist and expert,
Omar Al-Farouq of Al-Qaeda. Thank you for being here sir. It sounds like the US barely avoided
a major attack here, is that right? Yes, for the moment, Al-Qaeda simply
could not risk killing the woman who captured the alienation
and special attention to adolescence so beautifully,
in her book series. How deadly could this attack have been? We’re hearing estimates of five
to ten thousand lives. Yes, the devastation would
have been shocking. Worse than when Sam transformed into
his wolf self and slashed his beloved Emily with his magnificent claw. The CIA has information that dealing
with the cancellation of this attack caused disputes within Al-Qaeda’s top ranks.
Is this true? There have always been fashions.
Certain people believe, that Stephanie Meyer should
be stoned to death, for accompanying Jacob Black with
so much heart ache. Osama Bin Laden himself was
a member of team Jacob. All right, that would explain
the photos we acquired last year. Someone had suggested that it was
related to the twilight series but it hardly seemed possible at the time. Why? The themes are universal. Perhaps, but still, I mean, intelligence.
officials thought… That the books are for kids.
This is what you’re thinking, yes? That is the height of arrogance. You know,
if you give them a chance, you will be hooked,
or my mother is a Jew. All right, well the last novel of
the twilight series was published in 2008. Why does Al-Qaeda care if
Mrs. Meyers is alive or not? Well, that is, wow! I don’t believe that
that thought is streaming from your lips. You know, she could always use
the work of midnight sun, or write another book from
a different point of view. All right, earlier today,
Al-Qaeda released a video claiming responsibility
for the failed attack, as well as another that seems to be a shot
for shot remake of the scene from new moon. Yes, that was Al-Qaeda’s re-imagining
of the movie. Chris Weitz who directed the
original should be sliced from top to belly and strung from a tree,
for what he did to that glorious book. That’s all the time we have, Mr. Al-Farouq.
Thank you for being with us today. And now, breaking news,
the hard-drive containing Shakira’s voice, has been destroyed in a bus accident. A lot of networks report
the news as it happens. ONN has the power to report
the news before it happens, through our new state of the arts,world
satellite, the Onion News Network feature channel, brings you exclusive news transmitions
from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today’s world,
you need to know, what’s going to happen in tomorrows. Still ahead this hour… Crack Foal born addicted to crack.

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