Cross Examination with Shelby Cross
is one of our top programs here on the Onion News Network.
Well, yesterday Shelby warned us about Al Qaeda’s latest plot to populate America
with patriotic peaceful decoy Muslims in order to get us to lower our guard.
To explain more about this looming threat, former prosecutor Shelby
joins us right now. Hi Brooke.
Hi Shelby. Now you have been telling your viewers
that Al Qaeda actually has more than five million decoy Muslims in our country
to soften us up for their next attach. Yes and attack they will if
we don’t do something. Listen, these friendly decoy Muslims
are virtually everywhere walking among us, making people think ‘Hey, Muslims,
they’re just like you and me.” I mean there’s no reason – it wouldn’t be
fair for the police to stop and question every Moslem that’s out in public the way
Shelby Cross is suggesting because that would just be racist. Well, yeah, that was exactly what
Al Qaeda is counting on. Shelby, what can we do? Well, if you see a Moslem, I say just walk
straight up to them and under your breath just say “I’m on to you.” I don’t
care if it’s a man, a woman, or an adorable little brown baby
jihadist in a stroller. Okay, but Shelby you have also made it
clear to your viewers that these decoy Muslims can be so sneaky that sometimes
you can’t even tell their Moslem. They’ll hide as Mexicans, as Puerto Ricans,
as Vietnamese, I mean there’s absolutely nothing that would let you know
that they were in fact secretly Muslim. Now, if a Guatemalan or a Mexican ever comes
up to me, I just cuff them, I pat them down, and then
I look right in the eyes and I say “Hey, where are you hiding your Koran?”
So you have to be on your
guard at all times? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But listen, don’t get too close to them, they’re extremely dangerous
in that they are very, very friendly, very easy to become friends with
them and next thing you know “Hey, you could become
a walking decoy Muslim.” Okay, Shelby,
we don’t want that. So what can we do to protect ourselves?
Well if you really suspect that you are in Well if you really suspect that you are in
the presence of a decoy Muslim, the only sure thing you could do
is actually shoot them. Now if they start crying out
in Arabic as they die, you will know that that person
is in fact a Muslim and you were right, you saved yourself the unfortunate
end of being blown up. If they don’t cry out that way,
they’re not a Muslim and you can go ahead and trust them. Okay, but they’ll be dead, Shelby. Yeah, but a dead man is the only
man you can trust, rule number one. Yeah, okay, thank you Shelby.