Alien Covenant Blows : Adam Rants Movies

I recently saw alien covenant or as I now call it alien coven shit oh and BT Dubbs there will be spoilers lots of them I want to say something right out of the gates if you like alien covenant and you've get offended easily by other people's opinions that differ from your own walk away from this pack it up call it a day switch this off there's nothing here for you it's just gonna be a grown man bitching for seven or eight minutes about a movie he didn't like why would you want to listen to that unless you also didn't like it then bone Appetit Katy Perry that's her new waffle song the fuck happened to Katy Perry we talked about this Sally Katy Perry is this masterful artist putting out brilliant music no she she kissed a girl and she liked it she's a California girl she had all these jams he could Bob your head to not appreciate the shitty pop music but now she's like Miley Cyrus two point no you could say alien director Ridley Scott Katy Perry himself he went back to his roots went back to the Alien franchise only to fuck it up in the same way Katy Perry fucked up her own image I love alien it's one of my favorite sci-fi horror movies of all time in fact I think it is my favorite then after four five or six films Ridley comes back for prometheus a prequel to the Alien franchise prequel franchises aren't they always so great Star Wars The Hobbit the Harry Potter franchise fantastic beasts and where to find them which in no way shape or form sucked it all to be fair I don't hate the Hobbit I actually can watch them fine but they should have been one or two movies not three and they totally padded out and they're just a shadow of The Lord of the Rings and much like The Hobbit I too like Prometheus I don't love it I think it was a well made movie 7.5 ADA 10 area there's definitely plenty of faults all of it in the writing Department too thought the action was on point cinematography is beautiful the score is amazing and the world the planet that we visit is very cool that the creatures are really well designed I love the creator storyline there was some really interesting things there and I think what made it really awesome was the fact that it was part of alien universe yet not but it wasn't in your face until the final two minutes of the movie where you finally get to see that fucker and it was awesome it's like this angsty teenager alien it's like I don't like it I don't want it but the writing of the characters is just so fucking bad they do things that no normal person would do let alone a scientist or a space explorer uncharted planet let's just do a quick flyby just make sure there's nothing on the surface that can kill us and then once we get our scientists our brilliant scientists down in the caves we'll just let them fuck shit up Oh what is that a scary beyond all reason alien that looked like he could jump on my face and suck my eyes out let me let me try to pet it oh my god I'm not qualified at all for this but the scares are there although a little bit more sparse we do have some great thrills Elizabeth Shaw is a badass female protagonist she's no Sigourney Weaver but who's ever going to be honestly we do get to see shop perform a c-section on herself which is fucking great Ben you have Charlize Theron not sure she's an Android or not I think that was awesome I think that was brilliant the more I think about it the more I do think she was in fact some sort of an Android because she couldn't you know zigzag she couldn't weave she couldn't sharp turn she could only run straight which is why she was inevitably killed by a giant space shuttle as it's rolling towards her then you have everybody's favorite Android David played by Michael Fassbender who you think is good but later it's revealed he's kind of an asshole so a good but not great start but the templates there we could fill in the blank answer some of the questions that were asked see Sean David take off of that ship going to meet their maker that could be very interesting powerful stuff why the fuck did these uh these space jockeys want to kill us off we're gonna find out in act 2 except for we're not Prometheus to was too far separated from alien now we have to be blunt about things the sequels called alien covenant it is a sequel to Prometheus kind of all the things you cared about from the first are gone including the lead fucking person Shah's killed off-screen she doesn't have an ounce of time there oh we don't worry we have James Franco in the film for all of two minutes let's put in an actor who has no right to be in this for three minutes time if even I don't even think is that long and then kill him off right after people finally digested the fact that it was James Franco like the first thing everybody does when they see him and that scene is go what that Franco what is he doing in this you reprising his role from 127 hours climbing mountains again okay I'm in it that's cool he should be a fun character oh my god he's dead their mission is to colonize a planet with 2,000 people a planet that they've been researching for like ten years they've been training to go here so because there's one little incident that takes place in this entire journey so far that's been going on for however many years I can't remember they decide oh look there's another planet that's not too far from us conveniently let's just go there instead forget all this research and time and money and effort spent yeah this is what NASA would do this is what um normal rational people would do any sort of scientist or person in that field would think to do forget every bit of research you've done and let's just go on a whim on faith if you will let's touch down on this plan it's not on land because we found some rocks around let's go in the water because logic let's not fly a few miles down or a few hundred miles down over the eye of this goddamn tornado storm that we see and go where that sunlight is let's not go over there let's head right down here fuck for the lack of research they did in prometheus at least they did a fly around at least they did a fly by they don't need to do that here they just touch down and get out helmets off what I am NOT a smart person but even I recognize the flaws in this give me some form of reality in a sci-fi flick featuring aliens I need to have some connection with these people in this crazy world turns out not wearing helmets is in fact bad idea because two of the members get infected two of the members of this like 15 person crew they leave like three people up in the ship up top while the rest of them are basically left to die and they split up to make things because the best thing to do on an uncharted planet where you have no idea what the resources are like or the environment is to just shift away from each other just split up this is some scooby-doo logic uh you two go that way we'll head over here we'll have the married couple this way and we'll see how things take shape and take shape they do person gets infected person a I don't remember the names of anybody in this movie runs back to the ship with the doctor I think what the fuck why is she bringing him back onto the ship when he's spitting up blood they can't set up something outside of the ship to keep the thing from you know going in usually if there's some sort of a disease you wouldn't just run through every corridor in the ship to the sickbay no no no no you try to fix the problem outside but this dumb bitch goes through every fucking hallway she can he's spitting blood everywhere and he basically throws up half of his internal organs on this chick she's still working on him though then the second woman comes in she's trying to help out there's fucking spines and crap coming out of the guy's back pus blood shit piss everything you can think it's coming out of this guy and the one doctor who's now full of blood runs out of the room abandons her partner shuts her in because she doesn't want the contamination to get out he already walked around the entire ship are you out of your fucking mind right now it is already at this point where anything that happens beyond this I'm pretty much done with I can't even begin to understand what they were thinking in this scene but then it goes full-blown Looney Tunes as not just one person but to slip on blood the first chick that goes down gets scared that she sees this little tiny alien baby understandably so but instead of getting back up since she's like five feet tall than it she just says to crawl backwards in the most cliched way possible and finds a little tiny knife and she stays like this he's across the room or it's across the room I don't know if the aliens are here is she I'm not very clear on that why doesn't she just get up and kick the goddamn thing or run around the table I suppose there are a couple drops of blood and she's basically a Harrier Mar from home alone and could slip on anything at any given time Kevin McCallister would be able to take out this entire crew in less than two minutes be able to get back home and eat his macaroni and cheese which he never ate in the first movie it really pisses me off so the brilliant doctor decides to go back into the sickbay after she sees her friend basically in her face slashed into pieces she slips on the blood as I stated finds a big-ass gun so it's shooting up the entire ship blows the entire thing up she fucks this entire mission up basically on her own we're not even like 30 minutes into this movie now the Dumb and Dumber are dead maybe things can turn around I think and they do for about three minutes as there is a cool little alien ambush scene like Raptors in Jurassic Park coming through the wheat fields it's pointed out that there's weed on this planet who brought the wheat to their I don't know who cares why try to make sense of anything at this point they take a couple out I think here's the other thing these aliens in their current form a really badass so the planet if you like step on a leaf or a pot of sorts that could contain this virus it gets in your nose your ears anything any orifice and a alien comes out of your body they don't even need the facehuggers anymore these things are badass and super dangerous and they're quicker smaller tougher to hit so I'm already confused how going from a biological contaminant to a birthing pod where a face hugger has to find a host the old-fashioned way and then become a giant alien is better that's not evolution that's devolution devolution may not be the right term it might it might be D evolution but if you ask anybody that wrote the script for alien covenants they won't be able to tell you there's two Michael Fassbender's in this movie there's the David version the total asshole and there's this country conversion I mean sometimes he doesn't country accent I can't remember his name Gus Todd a lot of Fassbender on Fassbender action and I thought that would be a turn-on but it's actually a turn-off it's really quite disturbing and there's two flew plane scenes maybe three but I knew within the first minute that he was going to take the flute and just Ram it into the other ones neck and sure enough that happens and it was just as disappointed as I thought it would be this movie is so bad on every level even the cinematography is way worse than it was in prometheus I remember Prometheus so well those wide shots the surreal environments and here most of its said in the dark with nothing of interest happening David is now the creator of aliens I thought at the end of Prometheus it was going a great direction where the alien found a more powerful host which was you know these space jockeys or whatever they're called because it merged with this better DNA and then we got this black awesome alien and then from there I thought maybe it would naturally evolve or find its own ways to evolve but no David made them he's got all these paintings in the caves and I guess he's he's like chipping away at rock and mixing DNA and making his own versions of these aliens but the how how is he doing this he has the little vials of whatever the the black goo or whatever it's called but what's he mixing with it he's just got some herbs and spices how is it where's the Queen alien in all this who's making the fucking eggs and now the chess bursters become aliens instantly takes 10 seconds fully grown just repaired when David cuts his hair so you have the two Android thing the too fast betters reminds me of every 90s cartoon where you would have two cartoon characters that are the same one of them's like an evil clone or someone in disguise and the only difference would be one of them is wearing a different color and headband or has long hair or something super obvious to the audience but for some reason in the cartoon the character doesn't know that's what it is here there's a long-haired Fassbender and then there's Shorthair and I think the long-haired one had blonde hair so we get this one scene where David goes into his little cave bathroom he cuts his hair and I guess he dyes it because I'm pretty sure it was blonde and he comes back and is he looks almost the same as the other one but there's still a difference his hair is still very much choppier and not as well groomed and of course he has both arms the other one lost an arm and it goes exactly where you think it's going to they have a struggle and a fight and it cuts right before David's gonna kill the one or the other vice versa it doesn't whatever not even a minute later here comes our Android friend jogging out but is it David or is it Bobby who knows certainly not the crew that was super concerned about having a psycho Android back on its ship yet not concerned enough to ask even one question oh hey yeah come on come on you have one arm so clearly you're the right one and your hair is now exactly the same you have the same three slash marks you're wearing the same clothes you put a lot of work into making sure you looked exactly like this other guy I don't know how you did it in such a short amount of time I'm very impressed so I'm not gonna even ask you a question it tries to go old-school alien then towards the last third where it's kind of roaming around the ship but it's not scary there's an unnecessary shower scene that's just stupid because the alarms are going off yet there's no alarms in the bathroom because they're playing music loud or something then the movie ends with our lone survivor lady who I can't remember the name who's just awful in this like she was in fantastic beasts which is another prequel franchise that has no reason to exist she needs to go and what the fuck is her hair cut what is it it's a nitpick I'm gonna get passed actually it's not a nitpick I couldn't stand looking at her stupid haircut it was like a mop top it's all curly and stupid hated it David regurgitates – little alien egg 'it's – put in with the colony when he goes back to the planets that will presumably become Queens I don't know how did he make them why is the planet of engineers who created humans so goddamn stupid that they would all stand on a little huddle underneath of a ship as a nuclear bomb basically drops on them this planet's gigantic is there just one little tiny colony of these people this advanced race that apparently has no weapons of any kind no ships no modern technology short story long I hated this

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