Bob Hope's Unrehearsed Antics of The Stars



Bob Hope presents the hilarious unrehearsed antics of the stars starring Lucille Ball Milton Berle Angie Dickinson Lee Marvin with poor ethics from the past by Loni Anderson Jack Benny George blender George Burns Dyan Cannon Johnny Carson Perry Como Bing Crosby Sammy Davis jr. Phyllis Diller Barbara Eden John Forsythe press McMurray Dean Martin Sidney Moncrief Olivia newton-john janice page Burt Reynolds Don Rickles Tom Selleck Brooke Shields Red Skelton Loretta Swit Elizabeth Taylor Danny Thomas mr. teeny and John Wayne and here's the star of our show Bob [Applause] [Applause] thank you thank you very much gentlemen this is Bob let's all be there hope to telling you it's my 35th year with NBC and it's really very jolting it's a race between the peacock and me to see which one of us is moulding and so welcome to my 35th anniversary on television you know for 35 years I've been doing these specials on NBC who said crime doesn't pay NBC has always treated me well I'll never forget my first little dressing room I can't I've still got it I can tell they still like me around here though they hung a big glittering star over my dressing-room door but I made Liberace get down from there hey did you hear that the 84 Olympics produced a surplus of a hundred and fifty million and that was just for maid parking meters Gotti's with a second Summer Games held in Los Angeles nine hundred and fifty million was the pot of gold at the end of the smog 50 million the Russians should stay home every year that's allowing no they made a lot of money but they cut corners on cost anywhere they could wait Oh Carl Lewis finds out that all his gold medals are filled with chocolate candy and how about Prince Charles and Princess Di's new baby they named him Prince Harry and he's third in line for the throne that puts me down another notch now he's third in line for the throne we had seven kids in my family and I had to wait forever to use the throne I let me said that it really worked it up at buckingham palace they cracked open a big bottle of their favorite bubbly royal crown Cola hey have you noticed all the stars who are now doing commercials for fitness programs on TV Linda Evans cher Victoria Principal they all show us their bodies and how they keep in shape I think they may have something I haven't even taken of course my eyeballs are 30% stronger I don't exercise too much I figure if God meant for us to touch our toes he would have put them further up on our body a lot of people ask me how I stay in shape and I want to change I've got a new video coming out the Bob Hope workout tape I'm not kidding if you do the exercises carefully you'll be laughed at wherever you go did you hear the news about our new Miss America she claims she's got nude photographs of Bob Guccione the next time he opened his mouth she's going to sell him to the Ladies Home Journal see Charlene well as a Mormon Sunday school teacher and she's very religious the mirror turn compact is stained glass and I don't think we'll have to worry about a photo finish for this Miss America she may be the bed most wholesome Miss America we ever had everywhere she goes Seven Dwarfs follow her around he did have one baby picture of Miss America on a bearskin rug she was new but the bear was blindfolded hey are you all ready for the big athletic event that comes around every four years the Presidential Debates or as they otherwise known the wide world of backbiting now the first debates going to be in Louisville Kentucky the Bluegrass State and there should be enough said that night to really make the grass grow as always a danger in these debates that they could lose face but then again politicians have so many of them and the president's advisors are worried about the debate they're afraid that Reagan will fall asleep while Mondale's talking worse while he's talking Reagan stated more catnaps and Morris and the two candidates are fighting about religion Mondale believes in two things the separation of church and state and the separation of Ronald Reagan and state Mondale is thinking why does Reagan need God he's already got the Teamsters I think Mondale scared he thinks God's a Republican now he says anyone who owns that much property has to be ha got a little nervous when he saw skywriting and said Reagan and 84 and it was no playing just a giant finger yesterday mr. Reagan told an aide I don't know what Mondale is talking about I've never mixed religion in politics make a note of that and notify my other disciples and how about mr. Reagan's historic meeting with rumiko at the White House today when Gromyko arrived he told reporters I'm here on a mission of peace of course it would have been more convincing if he hadn't driven up in a tank let me tell you that Gromyko can be a charmer he brought Reagan's from caviar jelly beans and I like Reagan's opening remarks a Grammy go he said you're late the Olympics are over [Applause] Angie Dickinson ladies [Applause] [Applause] and it's great to have you on the show oh it's great to be here to Bob but before I forget this is for you hmm I love those kind of interruptions what's what's that for that's just my way of saying congratulations on your starting your 35th year on television well I appreciate that Angie but don't I get one for each year we'd be here all night okay I'll put in a wake up from tell me Bob when you first appeared on television 35 years ago did you ever dream that you'd be on this long are you kidding I didn't think TV would last as long I have to say Danny I've been so lucky all these year to getting to work with gorgeous and talented gals like you oh thanks Bob I feel the same about you we have had lots of laughs seven left to last don't forget all those love scenes we've done together that's what I was talking about oh I think I just follow us what happened behind the scenes with you I bet you had your share of them please woman huh Oh plenty you know with all those last-minute script changes it was easy to get confused I'll never forget the time I goofed a cup of lines and ended up arresting Earl Holliman your partner that's awful what'd you do Oh what else could I do I went out and hired him a good lawyer that's not true I just said that to get a laugh without so far you're ahead of me another time we were out shooting on the streets of Burbank and then we used to get a lot of audience a lot of spectators is watches shoot and I had begun in my purse as usual and I always just put things in my first to make it look very legitimate not just a hollow purse with just the gun in it so I jumped out of the squad car got in my squat and pulled out the gun and there was a torn Kleenex hanging out and I was really embarrassed what was it a blow gun huh how would you say freeze or I'll sneeze [Applause] Angie those were great but we have some delightful scenes of embarrassing moments with some buddies of mine you want to stay and watch him right now in fact you may even know the lady in this first scene she gets a little frisky with me yeah I can't stay too long I just came to collect the reward okay creep up against the wall what head behind bangs OH breakfast eat just one false move and you'll match the rest of your nose you're clean yes you better try it again huh [Applause] where the happiness boards I'm learning and I'm confused because I didn't see it I'm sorry I'm sorry I got one eye and was looking the other way and you know excelent day I think before I do ok good all right then one day I came to put the whole speech on the high back you don't need backpacks and then one day I came home one more thank you sir they're gonna be colored people in your neighborhood when you get home all right tell her my lady is barri they say my feet are natural yeah a size 7 and a size 7 they tell me my feet are natural you dance like Fred Astaire no Flintstone that's just trip this is devil Valley you know it ain't hamburger Hamlet it's no diners place either oh hell would you know we're there Olivia newton-john well I just have an intimate little dinner just the two of us yeah well as always the Charlton Heston's oh no dear I mean this is so disaster-prone never thought that would happen to Moses I was trying to save it why don't we just say I was I was hoping you'd say that you think I was fit I once had a chance to be tall but I turned it down hey you've only got one eye all right where do I sign the adoption papers John Forsythe Catherine Bach and Brooke Shields auditioning and lead singer you're all I was I'm off to the races and the wrong key got it sure Charles can't hear it's too fast you know with all the applause and laughter it's very hard you're all I want for Christmas why don't we do thanks for the memories [Applause] Lee Marvin ladies and gentleman [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] Alijah Bob it's a relief that you even give me one of those flowering introductions you know like is usually do I'm glad of that oh good yeah I guess I'm a modest man you know and it kind of gets tired of hearing what a talented superb actor you are you know it all appeals are both comedy and drama uncanny the way a modest actor can sneak that in I'll tell ya I heard you backstage talking to Milton Berle did I hear right you said you didn't get into show business through the back door you came in through the outhouse door I was Walter Cronkite used to say and that's the way it looks yeah after I got over the service in World War two I went home to Woodstock New York and got a job with a plumber I worked hard and soon became a septic tank specialist going right to the top or closer to the bottom one day I was called of the Mavericks I'm a bit of a septic tank job and while I was there one of the actors didn't show up and well they were in the spot you know so uh the part call for a tall loudmouth guy and I got the job well maybe it was because the girls liked Mike alone but I became an incident leading back hailey you want to play a little Trivial Pursuit well sure all right in the 1965 Academy Awards who beat out Sir Laurence Olivier Richard Burke and Rod Steiger Oskar Werner for the best actor I give up who you at the drunken gunslinger in Cat Ballou well I knew that but I didn't want to mention it I know how sensitive you are about other people winning Oscars I used to understand it why do you figure you won over classy actors like Burton and Olivier Steiger and Werner well in my picture I drank a lot and their pictures they didn't Cat Ballou was a funny picture but that wasn't real booze you drank you were guessing something like T huh yeah they gave me something like T what I drank was very much like bourbon well whatever I gotta tell you or a magnificent drunk well thank you but actually I've been rehearsing for that pie for a number of years well of course I could have to remember it I took staggering lessons from Dean Martin always lies to study under an expert things I was looking blotto falling off a bar stools but that just comes naturally to me well have you given up drinking now well absolutely I give it up every other week here what gilman capsular was even your horse acted drunk how did they get him to do that well I got him hiding around with me like I said always wise to study unknown expert me I'll never forget your acceptance speech at the awards you said half of the Oscar belongs to a horse somewhere in the valley well that may be honest laughs but you didn't make a hit with the humans in the show no Bob look it's only 19 years later do you think I have time to thank the producer and the director that's a crew and almost lovely people on the set all the animals looks great nice really right now let's see what a bad boy you were in a special amount in 1971 in this sketch I played a man in the hospital bed with a terminal illness in case you don't remember you were the doctor who had to break the bad news to my wife Barbara Eden now listen for the naughty line you tried to sneak in right there okay dot that's enough she doesn't need a complete physical well I hope he doesn't make house calls I hate to be a party pooper but remember me Oh pardon me for being rude this is your wife Shirley Marcus and I with childhood sweetheart would you rather forget those picnics at Griffith Park the moonlight on Mulholland Drive and those wild nights at those beach parties or the weekends at Palm Springs yes with no clothes how come you never married there's a hell of a mess over here is a an entire pardon me for something on your ad lib that's just an example of classic architecture so are you my dear thank you I appreciate that Bob but I prefer much prefer to be admired for my mind and another line okay everyday carnassial sometimes like this appreciate it I'm better thank you I appreciate that Bob but I'd much prefer to be admired for my mind to me intelligence is a precious jewel so is a diamond from Tiffany's but that is Dunn's I buckled up somebody's laying eggs and it isn't me Jack Benny and I do in the Birdman of Africa [Applause] the hell was that for some in my line I'm just holding doesn't hold that as long as you want I don't work to look up my show boy don't I know don't scheme me boy unless you're tired of having your nose in the same old place you don't scare me how about this kid here this kid wants to play fiddle in here this pumpkin roller punk-and-roller souls your old man that's the line they gave Lyman rehearsing it all day Gordon wait my god Oh Charles we thought a good job whoo this is a surprise visit to Don Rickles who was subbing for Johnny Carson we were rehearsing our 25th anniversary show right across the hallway I brought along a couple of other feller [Applause] when we try to leave to go back to work but Don wouldn't let her so we came back and sat down bro Johnny night let's just say it we were watching the show out there and you're doing a great job subbing for Joey bishop is the great Joe Wade okay just just two guys those took my odd I'm just a dartboard spawn thing it is television [Applause] Vegas going for Kraft Music Hall it comes aren't we all hey are we ready for the plugs you want to say a few words go ahead well I came to I thought mr. Carson would be here but I'll have to take what I got by the way your wife just called your crocodile got loose again oh my god bless you Bob [Applause] all right come over here my darling I just don't want you to turn around for dr. Turner on Suzuki see pull around it what should put your name here what's your name plumbing Stephanie wanna go to a party definitely pay for the three gentlemen as mr. Fajo [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] whoosh you're falling [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] Gary tells me your most famous goof-up was never on film right oh is that ever right and it was terrifying I had to audition for mr. David Selznick and it was for Scarlett O'Hara and Gone with the Wind you auditioned for Scarlett yeah well bless my corn poem everybody knew was just a huge publicity gimmick but I was just a young starlet and when you're under contract to a studio you do what you're told to do don't I know it twice a week I have to change the paper in NBC Peacock stage well you've gotten promoted after Scarlett O'Hara after working six dreadful weeks with a dialogue coach who had a southern accent that just dripped molasses the big day finally arrived I know it was ridiculous but I had to go I climbed into my old rattletrap car and as I reached Culver City I got caught in the biggest cloud burst I ever saw the streets were flooded my car stalled I had to get out and wait six blocks to the studio anyway I got to the Selznick office looking like a drowned rat Marcella sells next girl Friday didn't even recognize me my hair was down over my face yeah why were you a redhead then yes and the handle was running and so was my mascara well I was salt cleared through Marcella made me take off all my clothes gave me a big towel and a huge brown sweater and put me on the floor in front of a roaring fireplace at mr. Selznick private office and she gave me a big brandy snifter with brandy in it where was Selznick all the time don't rush me I have power and four slugs of brandy later I was still a mess and still on my knees at the fireplace suddenly mr. Selznick came in saw me and said well what have we here I said well I ain't Scarlett O'Hara I'm Lucille Ball and I waters all and he said now now we have to do the scenes I said I can I can't stand up I couldn't stand up because what I was wearing didn't cover me and the four shots of brandy didn't help either but he said alright then do it from there he wanted you to audition on your knees I had to yeah you must look like a soggy toulouse-lautrec no not that good now the first scene was scarlet as a 16 year old and when I tried to bat my eyes my eyelashes stuck together and they wouldn't back Scarlett said something like well I do declare I do declare you boys are so handsome in your gray uniforms I swear I'm just going to miss you all so very very much and you're still on your knees yes I'm still on my knees then I had a scene with Rhett Butler I said Rhett Butler you're nothing but a no-good lowdown Yankee spy and you can go back to where you came from and you can stay there what do you have to say to that mr. Rhett Butler well frankly Scarlett I don't give a damn hey what does Sheldon have to say about all this he said you were very interesting very interesting and I said I was not and you know it and then I just crawled out of the office on my knees holding onto the sweater trying to keep all the vital parts covered now what piece of film are you going to embarrass me with tonight Oh embarrass you loser you remember the time you played a gangster's moll I was a gangster and one of us tried to get fresh guess who there are mrs. Bugsy are you engaged moose girlfriend boy do you have a gun Oh you have a go why have you got a line boy have you got what are you going to play you're going to go through every box I love that girl Oh waiter hey did we get that alright the set I think yeah we got that other thing this afternoon all right what a match that or that other thing well that match this afternoon where I did the things about this afternoon you're kidding we got to do that again there because did I did I go down there too far do you think huh not for you but do you think for the audience no I'm serious I went did I go too far you are Paris stop I like it a little more about real high road to China Oh bless you we'll see Tom I'd like to hear a little more about high road to China well bless you wow I play this airplane pilot in World War one who's stuck in Europe that's wrong too you know we're building for myself we're getting good stuff with the Carson show yeah why you turning to chickie me a man who's been in 55 hobbies I use turning chicken I think so much I want to see I want to see the Sun come up over Pismo Beach I don't want to lose for us to go to jet bridge just once more before the Japanese buy it you want to see you get married oh that was beautiful if we never beat this rap would you do me a favor show up on your roast and after the rope who is this great leader who's about to ask um who is this great leader who's about to resume or assume or assume or I don't care I lost it the next president of the United States mr. Bob Hope talk about stealing look at that shirt what's wrong with the sugar I was the one who created the fringe on the pockets of you I had gone all over designers for me and you come up with a cheap imitation by side avoid smile when you say that you come up with a cheap imitation by side alarm why you miserable little lot [Applause] don't move I got the drop we gotta be ready left this is 1974 breakfast are you going to get a you an introduction from you come here oh that's very profound are they bring the body [Laughter] I just got a look at myself I was like baby Rosemarie [Applause] here there's a grind next set did you hear the one about the guy who bought a suit with two pair of pants and then do you know what happened sure he pointed a hole in his coat [Applause] [Applause] I didn't mean to steal your punchline like that Bob but I just couldn't you know I just couldn't help myself you know you're forgiven Milton you've been helping yourself to other people jokes for years why stop now what you just said I resent it I resent it I don't deny it but I'm not so glad you're here well you weren't you were one of TV's founding fathers back in the fifties you were known as mr. Tuesday night that is true Bob and don't forget in 1960 I was voted miss January by Playboy magazine and look what you just started what I hear when they built boy's yard they used to picture you for a blueprint [Applause] not true not to Bob but he did steal my earring I guess all those crazy custom that you we're all attending they came right from audible and well audible and show business not only bought of different places and there were nothing and speaking of all nutty things that are always going on and going wrong behind the scenes nothing had more disasters waiting to happen while we were in show business is that right there were for instance what Jack Benny was the guest start with with George truly and we were doing a scene sketch with about 10 min scheduled and I played the part of a psychiatrist and Jack Benny was the patient and he walked in now in the set in the office said there was a telephone on the desk but it was just there the decorations was supposed to rain a prop that's a prop that's right so Jack Benny walked in and I said yes what can I do for you mr. Beck and he said I can't do invitation but I said well this way Jack spoke well you see you know I came to see you because well you see I I have a problem doctor I said what is your problem and he said I spend too much money we've got a bigger laugh than it did just now and I said is that true and as we were talking this phone it's on the desk all of a sudden by mistake it rang yes somebody backstage must have bumped into the sound effect and the phone was I supposed to ring wasn't supposed to rain boy write them and it's a live show couldn't no tape so what did i do I try to save the situation I picked it up I said hello and I said to Jack Benny it's for you all right what a girl right what would Jack say I didn't think you could do was brilliant but I didn't think you could improvise the way he did so he went huh he said hello really that's nice good he hung it up he turned to me he said wrong number [Applause] hey you've given us a lot of laughs over the years I just want you to watch this clip we have coming up remember you were trying to play the trumpet in the sound man must have gotten a script mixed up for this grocery list oh this one I can't wait to see it Irving so roll it hit it maestro hi [Applause] [Applause] aside from your name well none of the players can trust this comrade Casanova with our girlfriend until reminds me son what could he possibly have neither one about the funniest man in the world who's that he's the prison ward who put tax duck threw me off they think they laying and now it's my pleasure to introduce a real novelty an Italian who sings ladies and gentlemen Perry Como right [Applause] if your information all Italians don't sing you know really how about a guy like know all Italians all sing you know how about the Sophia Loren are you doing a monologue I thought I had a line in there somewhere oh god you did it twice you do your own retakes away I need to ask you read what is that sledgehammer doing over the door there Freddy's my name Oh Freddy Freddy I'm your brother [Applause] you're all exact about just my family what is it I don't know I did but give it up are myself that's my new burglar alarm getting better get myself no I turned on for what's on its work now you ready yeah here I come wait didn't that hurt no it didn't hurt but you know I'm getting flat feet from demonstrating nested how many husbands have you had 29 unfortunately they all passed away a natural cause all 29 that's hard to believe that's what the carnal said who should the carnal damn they're hard to find those bottles Emira girl I could go for a girl like you did anybody ever tell you you had lovely eyes you know the minute I saw you would be there I knew that your face would hopping all the girls call me curly I think we can get home early when I kissed a girl flips cuz I've done I've got I've got something [Applause] hurry get my agent a girl like you I like to heat when you get up [Applause] [Applause] I hope you've enjoyed tonight's show but before we sign up I'd like to thank my wonderful guest Lucille Ball Milton Berle Angie Dickinson and Lee Marvin I thank y'all so long most fabulous performers whose comic genius made each of the clips such a delight to watch I think you'll agree those clips provide a lasting memorials of their talents warmth and charm you know we're also very privileged to be a part of this fabulous business to experience the delight of hearing your laughter and applause and I think the clip preteens and I proved that the joy and good humor we experience in every phase of our work is reflected not only in the front of the camera but behind it as well thank you for watching ladies and gentlemen and good night [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] you

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