Great Sex for Life

– All right, Marriage Prep 101. Getting Ready For The Big Day. This is lesson number 13 and the title of this
lesson Great Sex for Life. Well I’ve told you that
the main task in marriage is not raising children, it’s not paying off the mortgage or setting up a retirement plan, those are not the main goals of marriage. I said that the main task
in a successful marriage is maintaining the intimacy that caused you to get
married in the first place. Now if you don’t have intimacy
or closeness in your marriage it doesn’t matter what you do have, the marriage will not be a
happy one or a satisfying one. One way to cultivate intimacy
is to build closeness at the intellectual level,
at the emotional level, and especially at the spiritual level and we talked about that last week. Another important way to create intimacy is through satisfying
sexual relationships. Across like everything else satisfying sexual intimacy is learned and it must be maintained
in order to grow. Now just because you like or you need sex doesn’t mean that you know
how to produce intimacy through satisfying sexual intercourse. Many couples have to learn or relearn this because there’s so much misinformation in the world about sex. And so in order to separate
the truth from the fiction I’d like to briefly review with you the history of sex from Adam
until today in six minutes. I think we can you know summarize it, we’ll give it a shot
anyway as six minutes. Seriously though if we had to list some major false ideas about human sexuality throughout history it might look something like this. In the Garden of Eden they had it right. Sex between Adam and Eve, two sinless people is
perfect and satisfying. After this the lies begin. And so after the fall of men the idea is that sex is complicated, sex becomes complicated and
misunderstood, manipulative. For example Jacob’s two wives who struggled to win their
husband’s affection and children. In the 4th century, sex is sin. Augustine begins to teach that Adam’s sin is past on from generation
to another in a physical way. Now this gives rise to the idea that the manner in which one generation creates the next generation and that’s through sex, the manner must be bad or sinful because the result is sinful people. And so the conclusion was that there must be
something wrong with sex because this was the way sinful natures are passed on from one
generation to the next. In the 17th century sex is dirty. By the Middle Ages this
idea had so taken hole that many women were
block, never refer to sex and were considered simply
as objects of procreation. That this attitude created the impression in people’s minds that sex was dirty, that sex was not really a good thing and it was to be
tolerated within marriage. Of course people eventually revolted against this oppressive and false view but as is often the case they went completely to the other extreme and that takes us to the 20th century. The 20th century, the modern
ideas on sex begin to develop. In the late 18th and 19th century puritanical ideas about sex
were brought to North America but by the 20th century these
were dramatically changed. For example from 1900 to 1960 well sex is fun. Two World Wars changed this attitude. American music and movies, magazines showed sex as something
that was to be fun. People had to loosen up,
Rock and Roll, Playboy, let’s have fun. In 1970 sex is free. The hippie generation
promoted sexual freedom. Make love not war. Sexual revolution said have
sex with whoever you want, whenever you want, in
whatever way that you want. By the time we got to
1980 sex becomes serious. The boomers grew up and sex
became a serious matter. Only for the mature, sex advice
columns, and sex therapists, and studies about human
sexuality abounded. In the 1990’s sex should be safe. AIDS made people realize
that some kinds of sex could lead to serious illness and death. And then from the year 2000 to this day sex is really just for yourself. Sex is for the individuals
pleasure and satisfaction. Pornography, especially
internet pornography, homosexuality, fed that
person’s desire for private sex. Of course all of these
false ideas about sex have an element of truth to them, this is what makes it so
believable and powerful. For example sex is
complicated, that’s true but not so complicated that with proper
communication and attitude two people cannot have
satisfying sex for a lifetime. Sex is sinful. Well that’s true in some cases. When it’s participated in outside
of a marriage relationship but sex is acceptable and
blessed by God within marriage. Hebrews chapter 13 verse 4. Sex is dirty. Well true when used as pornography or the abuse of others
especially children, but clean, pure, and beautiful when shared between a married couple. Sex is fun. Well true, but again only fun and joyful when people who are married engage in it. Otherwise it’s only fun
for the people involved but not for God and certainly
not the angels who witness it. Another idea. Sex is free. Well again, true. But only free to those who are in an exclusive lifetime relationship of marriage otherwise there’s a price to pay right? In Galatians 5:19-20 it
tells us that fornicators will not inherit, adulterers,
fornicators, homosexual you know a list of sexual practices these people will not
inherit the Kingdom of God. Sex is serious. Again, very true, but serious not in itself serious in the sense that
it is the physical sign that two people are committed to an exclusive lifetime relationship. Sex is safe. True, but the safest sex is
sex according to God’s plan, not human concepts and
trends concerning sex. And then finally, sex is for self. Again true, sex is for the
full revelation of the self to our partner without
guilt, without fear, and without shame. Of course there are many
variations of these ideas but these are the major concepts that people view their
own sexuality through. I don’t know if we did it in six minutes but anyway it gives you
a kind of lay of the land of some of the misinformation
that’s been out there for a long time concerning
human sexuality. Now there’s another point of view on sex that I’d like to share with you, one that more effectively
contributes to good sex for life. You see the same activity
that has the power to bond and to build and to create,
to comfort within marriage is equally powerful to
create negative things if done outside of marriage. It creates guilt and shame,
unwanted pregnancies, diseases and so on and so forth. Psychological surveys
show that in some couples who have sex before
marriage, after marriage the woman becomes more
aggressive and dominant, she feels angry and resentful while the man becomes more passive and with a sense of guilt. The way out of course is to
seek forgiveness from God and each other and then just go on. The idea of seeing if people are sexually compatible before marriage so they can be sure of having
a successful relationship this is foolish because engaging in premarital sex without the security of
a marriage commitment undermines the development
of the couples relationship before it matures. Sex outside of marriage is a sin. It’s a sin because it spoils the sex that we should be having within marriage. One guy said the trouble with sex outside of marriage is
that it spoils the sex that’s supposed to go on within marriage. Now I want to talk
about God’s idea of sex. So we talked about some misinformation and ideas that have been out there and many of us grew up with, I’d like to talk about God’s idea of sex. The real issue in sex is not making love, the real issue in sex is feeling loved and becoming one with your spouse. You can get sex in a lot of
ways and in great quantities but to feel loved through sex requires us to understand
why God created sex and how God would have us express our natural human sexuality. So I’d like to devote the
rest of my time to this idea. So what is God think about sex? Well first of all he thinks,
his idea is that sex is good. Genesis chapter 1 verses 27 and 31 you know it says, God saw everything and he saw this and it was good, he created that and it was good and then in verse 27 and 31 it says he looks at everything and
he says all was very good and that included human sexuality. So God’s idea is that sex is good. Throughout the Bible God
extols the naturalness and the beauty of human sexuality. In Genesis 2:24 and 5 we see
sex without guilt or shame. Sin should cause guilt not sex
between a husband and wife. Hebrews 13 verse 4 talks about the marriage
bed being undefiled because God will punish the
evil doers, punish adulterers. And in the Song of Solomon chapter 7 1-9 we read that sex is beautiful
and exciting and passionate. We talked about that last week as we looked at some passages
in the Song of Solomon. And then in Proverbs 5,
this one I want to read. That Solomon writes, “Let your fountain be blessed, “And rejoice in the wife of your youth. “As a loving hind and a graceful doe, “Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; “Be exhilarated always with her love.” This is the Holy Spirit speaking. Have you ever thought of this? Solomon is writing by the power and the inspiration of
the Holy Spirit here and what is God saying, sex is beautiful. What’s he saying to men? Let your wife thrill you and satisfy you all the days of your life. So good sex is God’s idea, not man’s idea. Satan has perverted
sex into a sinful thing but in its natural state it’s a good and wonderful
thing according to God. Another idea that God has about sex. Sex is for marriage only. He says, “You shall not commit adultery.” Very plain and simple Exodus 20 verse 14. God designed the activity of sex to be practiced constructively within the context of marriage. I don’t have to elaborate
this to this group here. You know God created sex and
sex is good and wonderful and exciting and thrilling
but it’s within marriage. When it’s outside of
marriage it’s destructive. We have a commandment, we
have all kinds of examples I don’t think we need to
belabor the point here, certainly not in this class. What else does God think about sex? Well sex is unselfish affection. 1 Corinthians chapter 7
verse 2 and 3 Paul says, “But because of immoralities, meaning the temptation
to be sexually impure because of these kinds
of immorality Paul says, “each man is to have his own wife, “and each woman is to
have her own husband.” So Paul recognizes human
beings, males and females are sexually tempted,
they’re sexual beings. It’s part of their natural nature the desire to be gratified sexually and when they’re single they can’t do that in a satisfying and God pleasing way so what does he say, each man each woman should have a partner, should have a husband, should have a wife. And then he says, “The husband must fulfill
his duty to his wife, “and likewise also the
wife to her husband.” So in here we get an answer what is sex. Well the point and purpose
of sex within marriage is to please the other person, not self. When we have succeeded in doing this we have succeeded and have
probably had good sex too. When we please the other
we will be satisfied, that’s how sex works. For men this means a shift of attention from immediate need to
consummate sexual desire and focus on the needs of
the wife to become aroused. You know what men want is I
want what I want right now and the changes, the
focus change should be I’m here to make sure that
the needs of my wife are met and if her needs are met my
needs will automatically be met. And for the woman this means a conscious effort
to get into the quote zone, in other words to think about sex to become sexualized so
that she can truly respond to her husband’s desire for her. You see men want women to want sex, they want women to get into it without it being a shore or a favor. And women want men to want them and not just what they can get from them. You see the difference? And so they need to realize, we need to realize that this is difficult
for both men and women. These changes of focus, these changes of ideas. It requires effort. And it doesn’t come naturally
for men for example to wait, to want her, to want to please her, because what’s natural for
a man is to want release that’s what’s natural for a man. There’s a build up, they want release. And it isn’t natural for a woman to zone in on sex because they
are not visually stimulated, they’re not motivated by release but rather by the need for
intimacy and tenderness. Dr. Randy Icorn of OU
Health Science Center, one of the professors
there psychologist says, “Women view intimacy as a road to sex. “Men view sex as a road to intimacy. “the trick is to understand
and work with the differences “and not accuse each other of not caring.” You know he says well you don’t love me, you’re not interested in sex. And she says, you don’t love me all you’re interested in is sex. (laughs) So everybody’s talking about sex but they’re not communicating properly. So what is required is a
sacrifice by both people, both partners in order
to kind of catch on fire. Let me give you a little illustration on how that works here with a match. You see you have a match and a… So when you light a match recognize that both parts
of lighting the match have to make a sacrifice. The match must sacrifice
some of its smooth surface against the roughness of the sandpaper, and the sandpaper must sacrifice
some of the rough surface every time a match is struck against it otherwise nothing happens. But if the match gives
up its smooth surface and if the sandpaper gives
up some of its rough surface both together will create the flame. Well you know sex works like that each partner has to give something up. The man has to be ready to wait so the woman can get into
the zone if you wish. And the woman has to focus
in on pleasing her husband and not just finding a convenient time. Another thing that God
thinks about concerning sex. Sex is uninterrupted. We read 1 Corinthian 7:5 “Stop depriving one another, “except by agreement for a time, “so that you may devote
yourselves to prayer, “and come together again so
that Satan will not tempt you “because of your lack of self-control.” So sex is meant to provide
pleasure all of married life. I mean sex is for life
just like love is for life and intimacy is for life. Paul says that sex should be interrupted
only by mutual concent or for reasons needing prayer, I mean this could include
disputes or illness or unavoidable separation. When this happens we should
pray to remain faithful and not to look for another partner and it should be temporary. Sex is not a bargaining tool or a weapon. Some people use sex as a bargain, if you do this you get sex. Boy that does not build intimacy, that does not build love,
gratitude, admiration. Or you use sex as a threat thing. If you act in this way
I’ll withhold sex from you. You know this is not the way that God God did not design sex to be used as a tool to threaten someone. You think of Abraham and Sara they had sex into their late years. God blessed them with a
good sex life into old age. How do you think they
conceived so late in life? You know barring illness and incapacity our intimate life should last and be developed all of our lives. Now there are reasons
why this doesn’t happen, the saddest reason is ignorance, ignorance about sex or
just poor communication. Also lack of imagination you know partners are
unwilling to be creative or experiment or discuss or search for ways to please the other. Or we get into habits, we get into routines right? TV, work, sports, hobbies, that leave no time to
develop intimacy or desire which take time, these things take time. If you make the effort it’s worth it, it requires faith because you have to work
your way into the feeling, don’t just have sex when you feel like it you have to work your
way into the feeling. If you had sex only when you felt like it believe me you wouldn’t
have sex very often because there’s so many things going on, we get busy with so many other things. And of course sin nothing kills sexual
desire like sinfulness, lying, laziness, vulgarity,
meanness, cheating, impurity, all of these things kill the sex drive. The guys think if they stay up late and watch port online or something do you think somehow this
makes you more attractive for your partner? You think your wife is
more attracted to you because you’ve just been
watching porn for an hour? And girls do you think you’re attractive and desirable for your husband if all you talk about is
just your kids or the house or shores or things like that and not talk about
yourself or talk about him? You know God created
marriage to last a lifetime and so sex within marriage should also last a lifetime as well. Happy couples report that their sex life grows more intense and
satisfying as they grow older. And I don’t mean older
like I’m 95 years old, I’m 98 and I’m having the best sex in my no, you know I’m not saying that. I mean as we mature, as we grow into middle life and early 50s and 60s
and so on and so forth couples report that they
have more deep and meaningful intimate experiences at that age. And why not? You’ve got to know each
other over a lifetime. Of course as your intimacy grows, as your security with one another grows, as your communication grows we’ll talk about that in a second so does the quality of
your sexual intimacy. All right, communication is the key. Sex therapists tell us
that the biggest problem that couples have with
sex is not mechanics we kind of all know what to do, it’s not mechanics, it’s not even frequency or looks. The biggest problem with
sex is communication. The main sex organ of course is the brain, that’s the part of the body that controls feeling and
desire, enjoyment and pleasure. If the brain is not
stimulated or sexualized then the other body parts
cannot function properly. The best way to stimulate
the brain is to communicate, and the best way to improve
sexuality in a marriage is to learn how to communicate
more effectively about sex. See the way to have good sex for life is to continue to communicate
about it for life, not debate it, not argue about it but communicate about it. One major problem in many marriages is that there are things we wished our partners knew about us or knew about sex but because of shame or guilt
or fear or embarrassment or anger or ignorance we can’t communicate with them about it, we think that they’re going to guess and they don’t guess and we remain unfulfilled sexually and we remain miserable. So I’m going to finish this
session and this series by saying out loud some of the things that couples find hard to
say for various reasons. Now I don’t do this to
offend or embarrass anyone but rather to open up lines of communications between couples who find it difficult to
communicate about sex. They can talk about
anything else except sex. So as you listen write
down and save those things share rather, write down and share those
things with your partner that you may have found
difficult to say in the past. Something that I may have
mentioned here during this lesson. So here we go, some things
I wish you knew about me or some things I wish I
could say to you about sex. “Tell me how to please you.” Tell me how to please you, guide me so I will know what to do in
the future when we make love. Each person has a
different sexual character. It takes time to discover what that is for yourself
and for your partner. It’s very difficult if you don’t explain. Now there’s no need to explain why something is pleasing or exciting just that it is, you don’t have to psychoanalyze yourself. I like when you do this. You don’t have to say why but you have to say,
you have to communicate, you have to let your partner know if they haven’t figured it out already. Another thing to say of the seven. “I want to make love just for fun.” I mean sometimes a brief sexual encounter without too much foreplay
or romance is okay. You know we mustn’t
take sex too seriously, sex should be fun and play at times. It’s okay you know (laughs) it’s three in the afternoon,
you’re home early, the kids are half hour
away from being home and all of a sudden you kiss mamma and mamma kisses you back and wow right there in the kitchen, right there in the living room. You know 20 minutes
before the kids get home, are you guys crazy, you nuts? It’s fun, it’s good. You laugh, you’re
embarrassed with each other. Oh my, look at us. That’s okay, that fun, that’s marvelous, that’s happiness in marriage. Another thing to say. “Seeing your body excites me, “don’t hide it from me.” Your partner’s naked body is the only body you have a right to see. Don’t deprive each other of
that right and privilege. Ladies, don’t let the
movies or the internet take over your privilege so that the only nakedness
your husband sees is in a magazine or a movie and not even his own wife. And men, the more you remain exclusively
focused on your wife the more she will be willing
to share herself with you. And contrarily, the more your eyes wonder the less valuable you make her out to be. Remember that. Number four. “Don’t force me to do
what I cannot do yet.” Everyone develops sexually
at a different rate. You need to be patient with each other. It’s okay to experiment, it’s good to be creative, but agree to do so what
both people agree to do otherwise it’s selfishness
and it can be abusive. Number five. “I wish you would initiate
sex for a change.” I wish you would initiate
sex for a change, when you do it makes me feel desirable. I mean nothing kills the ego like always having to be the one to initiate sex or affection. Sometimes men would be
less demanding of sex if they had more affection and sometimes women would
be more willing to have sex if men demonstrated more affection that is unrelated to sex. In other words if she felt you
putting your arms around her and kissing her on the neck
wasn’t a prelude to sex but simply was saying I love you. Number six. “Be kinder to me.” When you are unkind it makes
it harder for me to desire you. As I’ve said before
nothing kills intimacy, romance and sexual activity
than someone who is unkind, someone who’s sarcastic, you know bringing you down all the time, someone who’s dishonest or abusive, someone who is self-centered
or cheap or critical. Desire cannot grow in
this kind of environment. Then number seven. “Try to understand what stimulates me.” Try to understand what stimulates me. All right I’m going to talk about women so I want you men to pay attention okay? So women. Men listen this is some facts about women, just a biological fact
here that you need to know. A women’s sexual desire
is linked to her cycle, her menstrual cycle. I know that sounds very old fashioned but that’s just plain old biology, it’s linked to that okay? That’s a biological fact, now let me give you an emotional fact. Emotional stimulation is necessary before there
can be physical stimulation. You see what I’m saying? Then best sex happens when
the wife’s emotional needs are taken care of on a daily basis. You can’t buy sex at the last
minute with flowers and candy, you need to take time to
allow passion to rise, to express love and affection
before and during and after for continuous and enjoyable
sex life to be maintained. You can’t be really nice
and loving before sex and then after sex boom nothing, say oh I got to get up the
game is on, I got to go. You know this is not the
way to develop intimacy. Women fellows, men, women are different you have to understand, women are not just men in women’s bodies they really are different
creatures than us all right? Now, I’m going to talk about men all right so I want
the girls to listen up. I want to give a biological fact all right so girls listen to this. The accumulation of
seminal fluid within men acts as an ongoing internal stimulation. They’re continually stimulated sexually because they continually are producing seminal fluid within themselves and this acts as constant
desire for gratification. Is not because men are sex beings and that’s all they think about, is because God created their sexuality in that particular way. So that’s just biology. Now an emotional fact. Men are visually stimulated. Wives need to take advantage of this. Don’t let other people do it for you that’s an emotional thing. You know if you were to describe if I was to make a
diagram here on the board and I was to describe women sexuality and men sexuality in a diagram this is what it would be if it was a woman the
diagram would be this, this would be a woman’s sexual life, okay? A man’s sexual life would be this. That would be a man’s sexual life, okay? The problem is how do you match those two different
type of sexual emotions, how can you bring those together into a satisfying
experience for both people? Well the key is to find a
balance between his needs and your ability to meet
his needs and vise versa. God is wise in that he has created men and women in such a way that there has to be mutual compromise in order to have mutual satisfaction. Don’t get mad because men
are not like you girls. And guys don’t get mad because
girls are not like you. You always think I wish
women were like me, I wish they had the same pattern as me. No, truly you don’t want that. The thing that makes them
exciting and desirable is that they’re different than you are and vise versa again, the thing that make men
exciting and desirable is that they’re different than you are and that difference is on purpose. And God has forced us to
work with the differences in order to reach satisfaction. So I’ve only given you seven things that you might say to each other just to get the dialog going. The important thing is
that you talk to each other about your sexual selves, not for the purpose of having sex if you’re talking about sex and especially you guys oh we’re going to talk about sex I’m going to maneuver my way into… No, the conversation about sex is about the two of you as a couple, okay? So you’re having a conversation about sex for the purpose of understanding each others sexual character. We need to tell each other
honestly and tenderly what we need, what we feel,
what we want sexually, what we’d like to try and
what we’re not sure of. And we do this without
shame or fear or guilt because God himself wants
us to have satisfying sex because he created us as sexual
beings with this capacity. Great sex for life is possible if we follow God’s plan for sex within the secure framework of an exclusive lifetime
commitment of marriage. As a matter of fact great sex for life is only
possible within marriage because it is only within marriage that sex is blessed by God it’s creator. Finally I’d like to add
that within marriage all of the mysteries
about our own sexuality can be expressed and satisfied and made acceptable to
ourselves and to our partner and the God who loves us, even when we are completely
naked before our partner and before God. Okay so that’s the lesson
on Great Sex for Life and the completion of our series Marriage Prep 101. I want to thank all those who
participated here in the class, I want to thank those
who are watching online. You know those who are watching online you can download the student notes and download this lesson if you wish and use it to teach other
people absolutely free. We’re happy for you to use all
of our materials in that way. Okay, that’s it for now God bless you all.

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