ON THE ROOF w/ Giri Bek … Pt. 1. from recovery to contentment through yoga and meditation



all right hello everybody and welcome back to on the roof today's guest is somebody had been really anxious to get on here Gary Beck she's a yoga teacher in recovery and has one of the most interesting approaches to yoga and recovery and life and set life itself I guess right so I'd like to welcome Gary how are you great and welcome to the show Thanks so why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself and let's get comfortable with who you are well I've been in recovery for 25 years practicing an abstinence based program I started off strictly with 12 steps and the place that was living at the time was very rural so I didn't have a lot of choices in my area had to travel quite a bit to get to meetings and was somehow able to stay clean through those early days and did a lot of service in those early days and we spoke the other day about service and how important it is and for me I feel like it was crucial to me staying clean in the early days and perhaps you know I was reflecting on a little bit perhaps it was even a little bit about my codependency at that time because I didn't want to let people down and so sometimes that that could come in handy you know in the early days a little bit I was very steeped in the idea of service when I found yoga about five years later and the organization that I got hooked up with is very is run with volunteers so I immediately fell right into place with the yoga organization doing volunteer work for them because I had learned some really good lessons in the 12-step program about being observed for with pure motives and in yoga we we follow a tenant that is the selfless service is about not expecting any fruits that's how we say it in yoga so it's the same I was already trained so well in Narcotics Anonymous so I just effortlessly fell into place and I've been doing a lot of service work ever since recovery it's so fascinating I mean what a life and and to think that everyone in recovery is we don't get here unless we bottomed out in some way looking at you and you look like the the picture of health it's hard well in 25 years I'm sure it brings a lot to the table as far as you know who you are today and how you how you look today but what was it like for somebody like you to bottom out like what was you know what brought you to the point of having to make that change there was a point in time when I couldn't use enough to get any relief and not overdose so that's that's a point in time when that's a tough place to be so I luckily I was living with someone at the time who said to me you looked me straight in the eye and said you don't have to live like this you know and that was really news to me because I had really come to accept that this is kind of the way it was gonna go and then you know even though I I didn't feel like I wanted to die I was definitely headed towards that and and I had developed some acceptance around okay well this is this is just the way it's gonna go and then at some point and it was gonna be very soon that I was gonna die and so that I don't have to live like this was really foreign to me and I was ready in that moment in time to really accept that and take it in and and and really run with it that's another interesting point too because I remember being out there myself and even my first couple of times in treatment not really believing it like first of all not knowing that there was this alternative way like to come from this way of life and get on to another road so to speak but then to actually think that the the world that you're in is so dishonest to think that people are really genuine and real and sincere and they've made the complete 180 was really hard for me to really believe and Trust but it takes what it takes you did it your first time around you stayed clean you you were introduced to recovery and stayed clean god bless you for that I didn't you know I really attribute my stubbornness to the fact that I was able to stay clean and not let and again my codependency at that time not wanting to let other people down and it wasn't easy there whenever I came close a couple of times my partner was a number of Alcoholics Anonymous and after a meeting a Sunday morning meeting I remember we went for breakfast and he ordered a beer with his breakfast and I was just you know then the the surfer asked me what I wanted and there was a moment of time that I still see as one of those snapshot moments that big it was either this way or that way and it went very slow he always like in slow motion and I said I'll have a coffee you know it could all been over right there in that one little decision it was over for me many times over that one little decision I needed I needed to be so grounded with and convicted in recovery that if I wasn't if I was wavering at all I was finished like there was no chance that's just my experience world you know it's it's unbelievable how we come in so broken so broken that whatever gets you to the next meeting whether it's attractive woman whether it's I know people that come back to certain meetings because there were cookies or coffee yeah or because it's it's warm and it's cold out exactly whatever gets you there they say take no shame in that but then when you get there it'll get us before we get it I learned that whatever I could give was enough and I had always felt like I wasn't enough and I grew up in a family that had a lot of dysfunction a lot of addiction a lot of sexual abuse in my extended family and I really felt like I was not enough my whole childhood and even into early out of what I didn't get clean till I was 30 years old so I spent my 30th birthday in the detox being raised Catholic and we're taught to believe and have faith in what we can't actually it's not tangible we we don't see it you know weed that's why it's called faith but finding my way into recovery and then words are often thrown around and they lose the impact because they're thrown around so much but the word miracle I mean you're a miracle I'm a miracle I don't like to refer to myself that way to to others but when I feel sometimes I know where I was and I know where I am and nobody can ever interfere with that right when I'm back into a room any room recovery I'm looking at tangible miracles you know and there's no question there's no question and when the more you get comfortable hearing people's stories and understanding the truth in them the more I almost feel destined for the whole journey that and this having hit bottom after bottom if the bottom comes a clarity and then in recovery that there comes so much to see we can only see because of that clarity to clearly see and kind of get a better understanding if you stay clean long enough that is you know and that's enough Bachelor I battled because I would get clean and then fall off and have to start all over again there's stuff that I'm dealing with now that could have been dealt with twenty years ago had I stayed clean but until you stay clean long enough you never get to certain issues mm-hm so there's a lot to be said for somebody like you that came in and just stayed the course no matter what it took stay the course let people love you until you could learn how to love yourself learn to establish a Worth and his self-esteem and the value and and it's amazing how you can do this for a dollar a day if if you feel like putting it in yeah that's not if that's not beautiful what is at some point I really felt like I needed to branch out and go more into holistic stuff that because a lot of my traumas even though it was the therapeutic value of one addict helping another was amazing and I had never ever shared my story with anyone and to be in a room full of people who were talking about things that I could relate to like we talked about those things to anyone that's why I believed you know in the early days because I was like these people are just like me you know until that time is a completely different yeah I felt completely alienated and I felt like the rest of the world knew something about how to live and somehow I had missed missed a day of school whatever decided to be absent the wrong day yes I relate that's how it felt to me my completely like there's a cosmic accident and I landed on this planet by mistake but I don't belong here right and that's not that that's how it was until I went to the rooms and heard that other people were feeling the same stuff as me and and I swallowed it that hole just like yes finally I was relieved like oh I know now what's quote-unquote wrong with me you know it was it was like a huge relief oh there's a name for this there's a there's a treatment for it it was a great relief I was on a pink I'm still on a pink cloud over it like up until then I did not know what was going I knew something wasn't right with me but I didn't know what it was I didn't know there was a way to to treat it and so that was that was the the best day of my life when I when I went to my first meeting you know also to your first time around they think that when these like these thoughts that you just expressed when they start to kind of get in there and grab you a little bit you realize like how great it is for something I could never understand and I felt so alone and isolated in to think all it is time because still in your own mind it's all just such a colossal waste at it on a certain level and then you come in into this world and you think you mean this hasn't all been in vain yeah I actually get a purpose out of this mm-hmm you know I mean and and what a purpose to that you can reach somebody else in and give them the same feeling of hope that somebody gave you for free yeah yeah it's amazing yeah it's still boggles me and yoga is you know the loose translated yoga Sanskrit doesn't translate to English perfectly but a loose translation is Union or unity you know that's not just me myself connecting to body mind spirit but my individual consciousness in connection with the universal consciousness so if addiction is is this is a condition of disconnection or feeling separate alone better than less than different then yoga is one of those remedies for me today the that because I when I am in yoga and I try not to say do yoga because it's really a state of mind as well it's much more than what people think this is a process thank you for saying that so when I am in yoga I feel a part of I feel this oneness I feel completely connected to you you know regardless of your story regardless of where you came from I feel like we're we're in the human condition and even those quote unquote regular people have their stuff you know and not that I've really met a lot of them over the years I say everyone has addiction but you know some of us just had to take it we're extreme people right you know that that's how I take my recovery too so I'm not I'm not ashamed of being that extreme person you know i I've always done everything with Costa oh you know just went for it whatever it was I never did anything halfway and I'm I'm not sorry for that you know it got me to my knees for sure but it also is what keeps me going well full steam ahead – yeah that's interesting and I'm glad you brought that up I think that it takes once addiction has set in and all that conditioning from that whole lifestyle grabs us and and controls us right it takes a lot of work to kind of decompress and uncondition ourselves and then let the love in and and start to rebuild you know I always question that time rebuild – it's like when people say oh in five years you get your brains back I'm going I don't want my brains back I want new brains huh my brains no thank you you know please give me a new way of thinking even the word recovery I know you're right you're right yeah but what it does is if you stay in there long enough I had this I had to stop questioning all of this stuff too because I was getting in my own way or like big-time with some real petty stuff but anyway so then you get to a certain point and you and you know for me that's when I kind of sort a deeper like a more of a purpose like I still go to me I still I mean recovery still and and I and I do that and because I have no shame in it like a lot of people I've had people in the world of consciousness who like critique me from using referring to myself as an addict and I'm like you're the one that's harboring on the stigma that that word carries with it may I'm owning the word as I know it and my because I'm an addict I've got the greatest life I can imagine at this point today because of the whole roller coaster ride the good and the bed and I'm an addict that's not getting high so I can say that with it with a sense of pride if I if I'm under influence at all you won't ever hear me refer to myself as an addict especially to other people man no way but that's a big thing and then and then this whole like you mentioned about yoga being a state of mind a way of life it's not a group of poses in a class for 45 minutes or an hour and a half whatever it is right it's really how you're gonna live your life and and the principles that you're going to apply to your whole being that people often misunderstand and a lot of you know I mean it the more popular it becomes the more watered-down it becomes too so that's why I'd like you to expound upon that a little bit more because it is that important I just remember being in my first yoga teacher training and I had a woman sitting beside me who I hadn't met and somehow under my breath I said something to the effect of when they were talking about philosophy this is just like the 12 steps and this woman beside me must have heard me she was also in the program you know another coincidence is she could write oh my gosh I already know it's exactly the same there do you have some different words but it's this process of self inquiry you know and and taking off the layers and finding no you know really what's at the core and and the service and it was just you know the truth you know but it's eight steps yeah it's true but but listen that's what we do when we do that work in recovery we get down to who we really are and we own it all and with that because it comes these two great things that we mentioned so much our humility and gratitude and what what are those eight poses and what is this whole thing and yoga teaching us anyway I mean what is it all about it's exactly the same yeah it's exactly the same one one step in those eight steps has anything to do with the poses one out of eight so the other seven are how do I live my life you know the the first two are just like the steps and traditions first of all how do I live with myself you know and then how do I live with everyone else you know and we we learn those things first before we get to number three which is when we learn about the poses which technically and this isn't the way it really happens in reality but technically we're not supposed to go to the poses until we figured out those other things but of course in America in the West people go straight for the poses and oftentimes don't even go beyond that you know to the breathing to the meditation to the self-introspection to to the cutting off the senses I mean in this day and age we are so distracted by the senses and in yoga recovery we say misuse of the senses you know and and then we say come back to your senses right and we in it and then in yoga we actually withdraw the senses at some point but first we have to learn how to use the senses properly because most of us are misusing them and even when we put down the drugs whatever they are then we misuse the senses in other ways you know with food with people yes I think gambling you know all these other things so we learn that food and people are the primary addictions so we can't even address them until we put down everything else and then we get to that oh okay now I get to the real core of it because these are things that I have to have in my life I can't have abstinence from people and food right so how do I develop a healthy relationship with those things they have to be in my life I'm in a human body I am a social being I need to develop relationships so how do I do that well you know what that's where I think that yoga actually takes on it takes us to another level because recovery although it does do all of that it's really based on being you know we come in they say we come in for our drinking and we stay for our thinking but most people come in for their drinking and that's kind of where it stops and how obvious it is that every room you walk in you see the steps written down III believe me I do a service thing and guys that are coming in and repeating the treatment you know and today were adult years and that's why I'm there because that's who I been so I so identify with that but here it is the obvious answer it's on it's in every room staring at you and you think somehow you can do this without doing that like I can get what you have without doing what you did like you know I don't know again it's hard for me to really understand what the hell I was thinking that I didn't you know I could somehow shortcut through this and and what happens is you can stay abstinent for a while without really recovering but just be abstinent and for me often that was enough hmm like that's how that's how I undersold myself right me not me to say without doing that other work the desire for that much more wasn't there because I never really thought I was capable maybe a lot of its subconscious that you don't realize until you open up yes for consciousness and this whole journey brings us you know I've been teaching in rehabs for about 20 years now and for the last 13 doing a modality called transformational breath which brings people into a trance-like state and we get to the root in yoga we have five bodies and them this is the first body the most gross body the physical body but the most subtle body the Bliss body is where in the program we save the old tapes right and the only weak but samskaras these are the things that just keep playing over and over we this is why in my opinion we we don't really heal at the root because the other things we do which are therapeutic the the talking to one another and all of that stuff we don't get to the Bliss body excuse me and change something's there that's where it's hanging out this old tape so we we do the breath and we get to that so many of my clients I see coming in over and over again to treatment because they don't want to go there we're so afraid to feel that when you start to get to something that's a little juicy they stop yeah another word for juicy would be fearful yeah I'm I'm looking at as the facilitators there's something juicy no no I understand that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I see the person breathing and I see what's going on in their body and I can see that how they're getting to this place where something major is going to shift yeah that's when they stop yep yep and I'm just heartbroken in that moment although I have to have trust and faith in a process and that everyone has their own process but I know as the facilitator that if we could just push through it if you could just gather the courage in that moment to push through it then you would come out the other side maybe I'm we're not to see you back in this treatment center again you know so that's that's why I think people just keep coming back and forth because they don't they don't get to the root you know as so many people are just looking at the symptoms which is the using using has not much to do with it it's just your way of finding relief but take away that and then you've got to really get to okay why would we're where's the pain coming from the using was a way to get rid of the pain it's it was your solution are we using right it's not a great solution but it's the only one you had so it is a great solution until it's too across those invisible lines it's pretty great well you know as you saying that I gotta be honest with you maybe this is the ad day or whatever but I got one of those tapes rolling as you were saying that and like I got like face after face after face you know how many people really took time with me and patience with me and believed in me and I just wasn't ready I was incapable of going like cuz I would hit that wall that you're talking about right there you would say that he can do this and I would just shut down and move on and I would know that there was some kind of connection that there was you know the reason that that person was there and yet you know well maybe I had to learn that you could feel something but I'm not really I to fight for what it was now I can see clearly very clearly but when you're not ready you're not ready and it's just unfortunate and sometimes you have to be literally beaten into submission where the desperation becomes that apparent you know and then then the journey can begin and then it you know it is a lot of time wasted in a sense you know that not it is waste of time no matter how you look at it you try to go don't use that language the terminology it's so negative well you know whatever in you know what it is it's because of the conditioning is so deeply ingrained that you know these walls come up as soon as the sense of somebody getting in you know even people I really know and trusted it was just like I don't know man is if what that was it's it's it's deeper than you know but it really takes the recovery and really getting into the recovery really being honest owning so much of the truth and stop denying it and then delay you start to unfold and you know for me it's it's been a gradual process over over that time so you know but it's funny how you would just say in a plane the old tapes and then when you told that last story I'm just like I could see these faces in these visions of therapists counselors mentors and you know and you lose connection with the people because I quit you know and it happens it's all good it's just that that's what just happened as you were saying that it was just like wow it's kind of profound and there's something told karma too that we maybe don't understand like what but then when you look back it all makes sense if you pay attention some people and and I and I believe this to some people it's not that important yeah you don't need all the answers some people some people do some people need to you know keep the investigation going and other people just want to get on you know so whatever you know wherever you're at and like maybe that's each person's Karma but getting into the the actual poses of yoga right the actual practice on the mat we're had what have your benefits been personally from that yeah so when I first started yoga as I said before I probably had about about five years clean already but I hadn't really done anything for the physical body I hadn't basically got off my couch for the ten years before I got clean and then even the first five years I'm still smoking two packs a day of cigarettes I was trying desperately to stop and I had a lot of injuries from an old car crash that I was in I sustained a traumatic brain injury that's another thing that I had to deal with in that and that caused me a lot on top of the physical you're dealing with a lot of emotional wounding from your growing up as well so there's a lot going on there sure yeah so I had broken some bones in my back my knees were crushed so that's actually when I was introduced to opiates in my active addiction you know like that took me to a whole other place but so when I got clean I hadn't moved really this body for 15 years and had a back ache every day and when I got into yoga you know as as per usual I didn't start off slowly and get gradually into it I signed up for 200 our yoga teacher training course that was very intensive you never took yoga before no you're just gonna start teaching yeah that's like coming straight into college without any grade school or high school you know something seemed felt right good thing you're not an addict i but but honestly I let me go back to that that sounds fucking crazy just let me say that that we like the more I think about that that sounds crazy as they think about it I don't know anyone who's done a lot of things I am and to go in there with the the body that I had which was like so completely out of shape I mean at least some some people might not have had a lot of yoga experience but they have been doing something with their body you know so throw cigarettes and opiates I I finally put down the cigarettes um you know and I look back on that and think why couldn't I put down the cigarettes well my mom was dying for ten years with breast cancer and you know what I think subconsciously we talked to my dad for a moment I was still hanging on to the cigarettes like as my only you know wait she's dying soon I probably at some point in the in the back of my mind was like well at least you've got the cigarettes you know to deal with it and so after she died a few months later I was able to put down the cigarettes finally and just like when I got clean it was I could unlike you who got clean for different periods I couldn't get one day I couldn't get one day in the last 10 years of my using I didn't stay clean one day and the same with the cigarettes I couldn't stay off cigarettes for one day yeah and I phoned my sponsor up and I said hey you know what I'm going to the woods I get I'm getting my dad to drop me off in the woods with my tent and I'm not bringing cigarettes with me and you want to come she didn't even think about you like oh yeah she wasn't even a really heavy smoker but she wanted to drop them too you know so we did that we went into the woods look well I try to go into the detox but they except me they kept saying hurry did you relapse and I said no I don't relapse I just can't get off these cigarettes it was really Canoe irritating me that I couldn't get up they wouldn't accept me in there so that was my last my last straw was to go in the woods and that did it I got my one day in and then each day after was easier then I was able to go to teacher training because you know you you couldn't bring cigarettes to yoga you got all this time on your hands from not smoking I would smoke when I ate a dinner I'd just like take take a puff take a bite out of smoke in the shower I'd like reach out of the shower grab the cigarette I mean it's just constant smoking so for me to get off of those I was finally able to move forward go to yoga teacher training 30 days intensive from the bell rang at 5:30 in the morning and we were going until 10 o'clock at night with went one hour for ourselves to do like luxurious things like take a shower and do your laundry and stuff like that the rest of the time we were sitting cross-legged in the temple or we were doing yoga asanas for four hours every day Wow my body hurt from hair to toenails every single day for that 30 days you kept getting up and doing it I did I did not miss a day so everything changed then everything changed I I my back I never had a backache after that I had energy my my sponsor best friend and still still as my best friend said oh your whole body changed you know she's your posture yeah that I added an inch to my height actually no I'm like a towering five-foot one every guy she want to do yoga in that case because what doesn't want to add an edge so and I just had so much more energy so physically um a lot changed a lot changed my my I just had musculature for which I didn't have before I was just like skin and bones we had mentioned the other day that I had an eating disorder for many years too so I was just really skin and bones and I didn't have any muscle tissue so yoga teacher training even though I hadn't been acting out in my eating disorder for many years by the time I went there I still didn't have muscles you know you don't get many muscles sitting on the couch so everything changed for me physically and then just the meditation you know that's when I really started to meditate and we meditate in yoga teacher training for half an hour twice a day so that was you know that developed a regular practice and then and chanting that was another thing that came into my life at that time and that just changed my life completely as well in terms of changing my vibration and raising my vibration and really opening my heart this is the main thing that chanting has done for me and those those three main three three things really made huge differences we did one hour of karma yoga every day which is karma just means actions it's the selfless service that we call it karma yoga so I already had known how to do that and without expectations back and so that was one thing I knew how to do when I went the yoga teacher training was to be assertive yeah before we get into the meditation stuff though the actual work that you do on the mat let's just prove for the beginning to start in this yoga teaching period right what did you learn about yourself while you're actually working on your mat like staying within your mat and within yourself and like what kind of transformations took place for you okay so I was able to see how I still wasn't okay with just being then I still pushed because there is an underlying feeling like I'm not enough just as I am I have to push I have to achieve something to be good enough so you find that out on the mat when you're in those postures that might be challenging and for me I loved it was challenging every single posture who is challenging so there's the you're supposed to learn how to relax in the posture right and all my old tapes are playing try harder push harder and you know the whole masculine but this is it that balance that you're trying to find without even realizing is it when to push and when to chill what I learned about was really the difference between complacency and contentment one of the main principles that we practice in yoga is contentment and of course I had learned it's interesting some what about contentment from the program but I really learned about it on the yoga mat because let's say for instance forward bending which are postures of surrender and and and I am reminded of this almost every day that I teach yoga in a treatment center because there are people that really mirror how I was when I hit the mat yeah yeah yeah like you just touch my toes that really if I just see my toes that'd be a great place to start so I see people with this control and with this pushing and and my father always was encouraging but what my message was was I'm not good enough you know I can remember him doing holding my legs for the push-ups or Noah sit ups sit ups you know right because I was in this thing in school we had to do in order to get the gold medal we had to do 60 push-ups in a minute or sit-ups that keeps it sit-ups so he was you know coaching me with that right and he'd just be like one more and I'd be exhausted you know and but he was in Kurt that was his way of encouraging but my when I received was you're not good enough from the place I was coming from that is what I received even though that wasn't his intention that's what I received so that old tape continued to play over and over for so many years and I only addressed it when I got to the mat that's the only time it's fine in your thirties in my face in 35 years old yep amazing isn't it amazing and you don't want to look I'm gonna I'm gonna side subject on that we just said because we beat that's trauma and that's true you know it's not often you know that sounds like a dramatic word to give something like a misinterpretation your dad's intention is totally great and he's trying to get you to win a gold medal which ultimately is gonna make you feel happy right but so his message is given this way but it's received because you're young and you don't know better differently and you're you got this other shit going on so you receive that message and here you are 35 still dealing with that misinterpreted message it happens every day I see it every fucking day it's real simple if we can just learn to it's okay to start addressing it just don't leave it there when you just leave it there it's like a cancer that just keeps growing and then we get angry and we get vindictive and resentful and it's like putting steroids on this thing and before you know it you're in your thirties thank god you're in a place where of resolve if you're still active addiction in your 30s yeah you could be getting high over this little thing mmm and and and and all the you real trauma that comes with staying out there and still doing that kind of damage to ourselves you know it's just it's so many stuff is so fucking fixable it's pretty much all is no but I mean some of this is so so so fucking fixable but it never is even brought up mm-hmm you know you're right it all is though don't ya don't I'm not disputing that you're right it all is look where you are I mean come on you know all this clearly there's a lot of stuff that I seagull on Matt and people are not comfortable in stillness because this starts to go you know so yeah I teach something called yoga nidra I don't know if people are familiar but it's a style of meditation where you just lie there and you listen to my voice guiding you through a few different techniques of in stillness but I find that people in early recovery most times possible I can absolutely unattainable yeah but the noise is so loud that they can't hear you well they hear me and yoga nidra okay it's just a lot of healing takes place because otherwise all they can hear is that can I tell you I'm gonna share something with you here maybe 18 months ago was the first time I ever really can honestly say that I meditated according to some kind of definition I have of what meditation is like you know I can think now that maybe when I would just go off somewhere and and just like maybe even nap that might have been like meditative for me in those moments but when I try to consciously meditate it was beyond impossible every rehab I ever went to they tried to you know incorporate some of this and I'm telling you I'm sitting in a room full of dope fiends that I don't know I'm not closing my the last thing I'm doing is closing my eyes never mind shutting my mind down are you crazy like that's just like you know and then there's all that other stuff that you know the way we posture to present ourselves you know you know and it's all of these all these dynamics in place at once there was no way I was able to go there so I literally thought I was just gonna be one of them who is not going to get this as far as this meditation right and then I met this woman who online via Skype did a sound balls and a guided meditation and the vibrations and I literally could feel vibrations through you know I think she was in Pennsylvania at the time yeah you know and I literally like woke up out of a funk like you know like I I sailed away and I was so excited I was so excited I can't begin like I had therapy that day later in the day and I could not wait to get to my therapist and tell her I did this I finally did cuz she was gonna be happier than me she'd always encouraged this you know and she's very good that way but I mean that's how excited was like a little boy at school I can't wait to the home and tell mom what just happened in school today like I did something good you know like one of those things and I want to run home and tell her right away that kind of excitement yeah and and I was in 57 you know and that's what it takes what it takes me but it's still a good place to be eventually I mean – at least finally you've got and that that I can go back there whenever I want because I'm still not able to go back there what I want but I can really relax into a guided meditation and I've since got some real good guided meditations that can you know help me you know just a chill and just you know because I thought was incapable I can't tell you how many people in my life especially when I was younger that would say just smoke some pot man and shut the fuck up my father would say that without the pot just shut up but I had that kind of energy you know and I just couldn't um I didn't know how to direct it but that's so vital you would that what you just said there was one of those some do you know the answer is always a simple one the difference between viewing where you are as a state of contentment or whether you're being complacent I mean it's almost like a positive reflection of yourself or negative right but it's it's the perspective shift that's necessary to how you're gonna see that and be honest with yourself so if you know you're being complacent not to beat yourself up just shift and if you're in contentment well that's great stay there and just be cool with that you know that's profound though when you've never known that before what a simple answer but wow what a gift yeah I had somebody share with me a simple thing and I share it all the time because it's just been one of those profound things people that judge don't matter people that matter don't judge I had a shift over something like that because I never realized the effect that judgment had on me like feeling the paranoia of being judged all the time and then not when then I'm always judging everybody all the time and when that shift was cleared for me everything opened up it everything opened up it was all different how profound mm-hmm so when do you when you're on the mat when do you how do you push yourself to hold a pose longer and to stay in that state of relaxation when you're really straining like you're not gonna use the word straining right now yeah I know yeah well this is they said I know what's the right word then yeah so it's just horrible edge you know so I just even do a simple thing with the sooner son I'm just like bring your bring your arms out and do some little circles right and this is easy but after about five minutes so watch your mind what is the first thing we have to learn in yoga is I am NOT the mind okay we learn I am not the body I'm not the mind I'm not the ever-changing thoughts and emotions I am the observer of all of that right so what is your mind saying when you're doing this after like well for some people maybe two minutes even but the mind is going I can't do this any longer how long is she gonna make us do this it's impossible like my arms are gonna fall off they're so tired and you learn yoga to to stay not through pain because and we want to know the difference between pain and sensation – you know like when you're stretching your hamstring is there a sensation or a pain if it's a pain then you back off we're not trying to hurt anybody here I think you've suffered enough you know by the time you get to my class you've suffered enough I'm not trying to cause you more pain but I'd like you to go to a place where you can feel something you're trying to hold a posture you can feel maybe a little bit of muscles burning a little bit maybe some shaking your mind's telling you you can't hold it anymore what happens if you just take one more breath that's how you stay with the breath you get out of the head telling you all this this stuff a breath at a time one graph at a time and that's what keeps you there but remember there's also that edge of you don't go to pain but you know the difference after a couple of classes you'll start to know that that would experience right right what is what is a me just being on a comfortable edge and learning how can I stay in a moment in time in my life that's not exactly comfortable but I can stay there as long as I take another breath like everything on the mat is a metaphor for your life so what uncomfortable position can you be in in your life that you just want to run from or escape from that you could take one more breath and just be there a little longer and see what happens what about a craving craving comes up hmm do I have to act on it or could I just wait and see what would happen if I just took another dress and stayed there it's about learning to stay in the present moment whatever that moment is looking like for you you know and it might be that you're going like this or it might be that you're having an argument with a loved one and you just want to run up and slam the door and say a few I'm out of here what happens if you just stayed one more second and took another breath you know dude does it make sense what I'm saying Alyssa I can I can I tell you something with my experience right I was just in Munich and I was at a certain point where I went over there with a lot of intention to it's about this project I'm doing right and I got to a certain point where I didn't think it was going the way and this is really pathetic because it's that child in me that I revert back to no matter how much experience I have with success in recovery like I've made I've made it through some of the most difficult stuff in recovery and my experience is that and then my other my other experience is not making it through some real easy stuff so my reference should be enough to get me through anything at this point and yet I was to the point where I'm just say you know what just pack your bags and go man cut your losses dude one of those real old tapes playing again right s1 I found the meeting in Munich and I just like I shared man I listened and I was I came a dated one hour later I was I did a 180 because I went you know because the answer feels itself and sometimes you just it has nothing to do with the circumstances the people I think it's me it's my sabotage you know it wasn't calling things were not going exactly in tune with the way I wanted them to go and I'm cool with that as long as I can stay you know right sized you know what I mean so I needed that just to get me resent it again and everything was great but I can fuck up over something I mean I can pack it in and walk away from everything over nothing you know I say always in it like only addicts understand what it is to invest everything they have emotionally physically to to sacrifice to persevere to endure to to give everything to something to either achieve something or whatever it is a relationship a job a career you know whatever it is you know and then right now you're about to cross the goal line per se like a burned out cigarette we just flick it like fuck it and fuck it and walk away from it all never getting the the gratification of completion or they push you got there like I would I would have this sense of I don't know what it was it was pretty pathetic when I think back but I would kind of feel self-righteous saying I prove to myself I could do it you know but I didn't prove to anybody else I could do it like there is no like if I would go to four years of school and leave the day before graduation you know like and so it took a lifetime to figure this out like what is that about like what are you doing you know like wait you know there's nothing righteous in this kid you better wake up you know and so exploring that and going into depth through therapy through yoga meditation and all these different I'll do anything to try to improve you know but it's to find things out so that I can move forward without the obstacles that I placed in front of myself it's just the conditioning sometimes is deep and that's not a blame or anything else it's just it's an acknowledgement of like I got some minefield that I'm walking through and I can make it through as long as I stay you know of course as soon as I don't you know it's a different kind of surrender and not a healthy surrender you

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