U.S. Diplomacy with Israel, Donald Trump-Style: The Daily Show



Now, guys, I know that
the last month has been rough. But today, I remembered that life with Donald Trump
can also be pretty funny. I mean, we all agree Donald Trump is going
to destroy the world. But we cannot deny that
it'll be an amusing destruction. Yeah, it's like an asteroid's
headed to earth, -but it's shaped like a penis.
-(laughter) You know what I mean? You're
like, "Ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!" I was thinking about this today because Trump had
his most important meetings with a foreign leader yet when Israeli Prime Minister
Benjamin Netanyahu came to (imitating Trump):
the very famous White House, and, uh, had a conversation. And, look, peace
between Israel and Palestine is one of those problems that
no one has been able to solve. It's so complicated. There's settlements,
there's violence, there's border lines,
there's terrorism. For a century, the sides haven't
been able to come together. But Trump isn't worried at all. Just listen to him
give his views on whether Israelis
and Palestinians should live in two separate states or one. So, I'm looking
at two-state and one-state, and I like the one
that both parties like. I'm very happy with the one
that both parties like. I can live with either one. I thought for a while
the two-state looked like it may be the easier
of the two, but honestly, if Bibi
and if the Palestinians, if Israel and the Palestinians
are happy, I'm happy with the one
they like the best. (laughter) Did this guy
just tell us the problem like it was the solution? Here's what he said. "Now, what you need is that
everyone agrees with each other. "Yeah, I don't know why
this took you guys so long. There we go. Done. Done." Trump would be the best
hostage negotiator ever. Just be like: Whatever makes
both the hostages and the hostage takers happy,
that works for me. Let's work together, guys.
Come on. Oh, yeah, here's another thing. -Uh…
-(laughter) Really? Really? We're gonna… This is… this is not… Please, can we… Thank you. Uh, I hate…
I hate those promos. Sorry. Uh, you know what, watching
Donald Trump's diplomacy is a surreal experience. Because…
because what's the one thing most leaders struggle with
when talking to Israel? It's figuring out how to broach
the sensitive topic of illegal settlements. But as I said,
most leaders struggle. As far as settlements,
I'd like to see you hold back on settlements for a little bit. Uh, we'll, uh,
work something out. (gasps, laughter) Okay, I-I'm sorry.
Donald Trump is a genius. (laughter) No one has ever thought to just
straight-up ask Netanyahu to stop the settlements. Like… he just…
he just asked him. He asked him like a neighbor telling him
to turn down the music. Hey, uh, you're gonna turn down
the music, right? Can you just turn it down?
Right? Do you mind? Do you mind
just turning it down? Yeah? All right, cool.
What's the next issue? Let's move on. Even… Look at Netanyahu,
in his eyes. Even he does not know
what to do… (laughter) …with the man
they call El Donaldo. I think we're gonna make a deal. It might be
a bigger and better deal than people in this room
even understand. That's a possibility. So let's see what we do. That's right. Doesn't sound too optimistic,
but that's… You can see Netanyahu's like,
"Who the (bleep) is this dude?" (laughter) You know… Trump is either a genius
or he is the biggest idiot the world has ever seen. 'Cause I honestly wonder
if Trump's plan is to be such a bumbling fool
that Israel and Palestine are gonna get together
in a room and be like, "I think we can both agree,
that guy's a (bleep) moron. -(laughter, applause, whooping)
-"That guy's a (bleep) moron. We better solve this problem
before he tries to help out."

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