We’ve Got Tapes from Trump’s Bugged Cell Phone


LET’S GET INTO THE NEWS. PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BEEN UNDER
FIRE LATELY FOR HIS UGLY LANGUAGE WHEN IT COMES TO
DEALING WITH THE MEDIA. BUT AT A RALLY IN WISCONSIN LAST
NIGHT TRUMP PAUSED HIS SPEECH SPECIFICALLY TO POINT OUT HOW
POLITE HE WAS ACTING. TAKE A LOOK.>>AND BY THE WAY, DO YOU SEE
HOW NICE I’M BEHAVING. WE’RE ALL BEHAVING VERY WELL.>>JAMES: WHO’S A GOOD BOY!
WHO’S A GOOD BOY! IS TRUMP TRYING TO LEAD THE
COUNTRY OR IS HE TRYING TO GET HIS MOM TO BUY HIM AN ICE CREAM
CONE ON THE WAY HOME FROM THE GROCERY STORE? TRUMP WANTS CREDIT FOR NOT
ACTING BADLY? BY THE WAY, I HAVEN’T STOLEN AN
EMPLOYEE’S LUNCH FROM THE FRIDGE IN EIGHT MONTHS.
WHERE’S MY MEDAL? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IN OTHER WHITE HOUSE NEWS, ACCORDING TO “THE NEW YORK
TIMES,” CHINA AND RUSSIA HAVE BEEN REGULARLY LISTENING IN ON
DONALD TRUMP’S PRIVATE PHONE CALLS BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO STOP
USING HIS PERSONAL, UNSECURED IPHONE. AS IF DONALD TRUMP HAS PRIVATE
THOUGHTS. BUT TRUMP SAYS THE ARTICLE IS
INCORRECT AND IN A TWEET TODAY HE SAID THIS, “I ONLY USE
GOVERNMENT PHONES, AND HAVE ONLY ONE SELDOM-USED GOVERNMENT CELL
PHONE. STORY IS SOOOO WRONG!”
WITH FOUR O’S IN SO. HE SAYS HE SELDOM USES A
CELLPHONE. AND TO PROVE THE POINT, HE SENT
THAT TWEET FROM AN IPHONE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HERE’S HOW INSECURE DONALD TRUMP’S PHONES ARE. EVEN WE WERE ABLE TO INTERCEPT A
BUNCH OF HIS CALLS. AND YOU DON’T WANT THIS KIND OF
INFORMATION FALLING INTO THE WRONG HANDS. THERE’S THIS ONE.>>I WAS IN WISCONSIN LAST
NIGHT. MAJOR BABES EVERYWHERE. ATE FOUR POUNDS OF MONTERY JACK.>>ARE HORSES A DOG OR THE OTHER
WAY AROUND?>>James: AND THIS ONE IS HIGHLY
CLASSIFIED.>>I THINK I’M GOING START A
TWITTER WAR WITH JOHN CENA. LET’S TAKE HIM DOWN A BAG. I’M GOING TO DO A DRACULA THING.>>JAMES: MOVING ON, THE
INTERNET WAS OBSESSED WITH THIS BIZARRE PHOTO OF JUSTIN BIEBER
TODAY. IN THE PHOTO, JUSTIN BIEBER IS
SITTING ALONE ON A PARK BENCH AND APPEARS TO BE EATING A
BURRITO, BUT THAT’S NOT THE WEIRD PART. HE’S EATING THE BURRITO
SIDEWAYS. HERE’S THE PHOTO HERE. WE DON’T KNOW.
MAYBE BIEBER’S BURRITO STARTED TO SPLIT AT THE SIDE.
DESPACITO TIMES CALL FOR DESPACITO MEASURES. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT’S HARD TO TELL. IT’S A PHOTO. IT’S HARD TO TELL SINCE IT’S
JUST A PHOTO. JUSTIN BIEBER MIGHT NOT BE
EATING IT. CMAYBE HE’S DOING WHAT I DID IN
HIGH SCHOOL AND IS JUST PRACTICING KISSING. YOU DON’T NEED TO STILL DO THAT. JUST GET A BETTER PAIR OF JEANS
AND YOU’LL BE FINE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT SERIOUSLY, I DO THIS WITH HOT DOGS ALL THE TIME.
IT’S ACTUALLY VERY GOOD. YOU START WITH ONE HOT DOG BUT
THEN YOU EAT THE MIDDLE, AND WHAT ARE YOU LEFT WITH? TWO HOT DOGS.
THAT’S JUST BEING SMART. AND FINALLY, WE HAD TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THIS. A WOMAN IN OKLAHOMA HAS MADE
HEADLINES RECENTLY, ASKING STRANGERS TO PLEASE NOT FEED HER
DOG. APPARENTLY, THE DOG HAS A HABIT
OF SNEAKING OUT AT NIGHT, GOING TO MCDONALD’S, AND PRETENDING TO
BE A STRAY SO PEOPLE WILL FEED HER. I USUALLY HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY
THEY’VE FOUND THEIR SPIRIT ANIMAL, BUT THIS IS UNCANNY. THE DOG GOES OUT AT NIGHT AND
BEGS STRANGERS FOR HAMBURGERS. AND THE BEST THING ABOUT A
HAMBURGER, THERE’S NO WRONG SIDE TO EAT IT FROM.
I’M TALKING TO YOU, BIEBER. THIS DOG HAS SOMEHOW FIGURED OUT
A WAY TO GET FREE MCDONALD’S. AND OUT OF RESPECT FOR HER WORK,
TODAY DONALD TRUMP AWARDED THE DOG THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF
FREEDOM.

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